White is Pure.

White is pure,
White is beautiful, like snow;
White is innocent, like an angel's wings;
White is serene like a wedding dress;
White is old and wise like the hair of one who has aged.
White is the color of dandelion seeds.
White is what I see, white is the color, if you call it a color
That you love.

In the chilly weather of these mornings, here we are
Making our way through the bustling crowd,
The booming sea of voices,
The thoughts of people ringing in our ears,
The sound of shoes drowned
In noise.

My anxiety surfaces daily whenever it comes to you -
Whether it be because I see someone who looks
And dresses like you in the halls;
Or I hear someone talk
And act the way you do;
Or because I see the places at school where we walked and talked that resurfaces old memories,
With suppressed desires to return to those longed for memories;
Or whether it be your name mentioned in a conversation or read on a paper,
Anything,
Everything I see in my life - be it the sun, the stars, the night sky -
Everything that happens in my life,
Be they of moments of sadness, or those of happiness, others of anger or strife,
Bring my thoughts back to you
As to how you may be doing,
What you may be thinking,
How you would feel if you knew what I was doing,
How you would tell me that I don't have to miss you,
Because we're friends.

We're friends.

Today I smiled warmly.
We were both wearing white.
How comforting it is that there is something we can share in appearances.

I stepped towards you to call out your name,
And my heart beat heavily when I was wondering what to say,
But suddenly my feet stopped in place,
Like anchors nailed to the bottom of an ocean floor.
I realized that I couldn't bring myself to you -
What would I look like to your friends when they were with you?

When I see you with your friends, I don't cherish the thought
Of walking by your side then, knowing
That I'd be intruding in on the world you come from.
I don't belong in your world.
That path you chose isn't one I can follow, although
It is interesting to observe as an outsider.
I almost wish I could be someone like you.
Then I could go out and not worry about my grades,
I could do crazy things, and I could party late at night with
Not a care in the world.
But I don't think I can be like you.

I don't fit in that world. And you've known it, too, even if you've never said it.

My feet couldn't move today when I saw you with your friends, because
I can't be with you and them without feeling like a black sheep.

I'm like a little black sheep, obvious on a bright field of white ones.
Obvious to you, and your friends who come from the same world as you do.



White is the color of tying up loose ends, the hems of a relationship.
White is the color that my "older brother" wore today, like us, too!
I look upon him sometimes with a tenderness that seems becoming of me,
Almost dutiful of me. I like it.
I know this person from deep in my childhood memories: he's my first love.
A sibling of sorts whom I wanted to have as more, who at one time
Did feel himself as more,
But young we were, young we were.
What was love?
Six years following, the white curtains had fallen upon his and my eyes
And we saw no more of each other, only seeing
And possessing bad vibes which had existed between us since we were 12.
They melted together into a milky blur:
Apathy and lack of friendliness.
Nothing more left to say.
Just everything that was left behind.

What sad memories we shared?
They were like a push on my mentality, a stepping stone my feet had treaded on
As if I had made light jumps from one large stone in the ocean to the other
On a surface of the dark and shallow waters that lay
Underneath a dimly shining sun that was our lives.
Wary, but knowing,
I leapt from those stones because I knew it was necessary
To continue on my broken heart.

I forced unto myself an adult-like mindset, where I would not be hurt by anyone,
And would not love quite the same type of boy anymore.
I wouldn't love anyone like him anymore.
I would love someone who would respect me and treat me the way
I wanted to be treated.
Someone who made me feel I was worth it.

Oh,
The whiteness that flowed around my eyes and his eyes
Has lifted now.
We've become people who can enjoy each other's company as close friends,
Talk about deep things like life, love, setbacks, yes!
We've talked so much, have gone through so much together.
His patting my head dotingly, his calling himself my older brother.
We've returned to what we were before but even better!

You know?
I always see these expressions of affection toward me in the faces
Of those who love me, like him, my friend, my family, and my boyfriend.
It's a little bittersweet.
I almost want them to be you.
I wish I could receive that kind of affection from you.

I wonder if in our childhood you and I would have been good friends?
Would we have been like brotherly and sisterly friends?
Or have been like the best of playmates of friends?


David.
White is special. It's like
The color of communication,
It's like the strings we pull, as puppeteers as to where we'll go!
We've been careful of not colliding too fiercely,
Or disturbing the calm and lucid surface of our shared waters.
Having brushed against one another every now and then these years,
Whenever we met in the halls in between periods,
Or on brick walls
As we talked, waiting for our car rides.
Or when we talked whenever Band brought us together,
Or I pushed far in the crowd at graduation to meet you.

David.
Our souls are like spirits
That drift like ghosts.
In the lives we consciously lead in separation,
There are white curtains that have draped over us were like silky waterfalls
Like snow,
Like of skies and clouds,
And sun's white.
They never hid you or anything.
Really, the mask I thought you wore
Was actually your face.

I've always been looking at the real you, David.
I've always been looking at the "you" you are to me.
And that's something that hasn't changed to me,
And I'm glad.

Tapping your shoulder and making you turn around,
Catching your face and making you see me,
Look at me as I am,
Is it really necessary when I already know who you are?
Who you really are?
And when you already know
Who I am?
Who I am?

I have always craved from you the warmth other people have given to me,
And I have always wished I was important enough to you for you to want to be with me,
And the physical contact we don't have is something I've longed for most,
Isn't it, David?
But...
You know my thoughts –
You know my soul.
I know your soul.

David.
I don't feel like crying when I don't hear the phone ring from you anymore.
I don't feel like crying whenever I receive text messages you never sent.
I don't feel like crying when I look out the window wondering where you are,
And I don't feel like crying when I leave the tap running, when I clean
The plates and bowls I've wanted to share.
I don't feel like crying when I stay in the shower longer than I should,
Wondering what fate had it be so that I couldn't be yours.
I don't feel like crying anymore, David, and I'm good,
Because I have your mind well understood,
And you have my heart well put in your head.
You have me, even when we are 17
And we aren't 14 anymore.

I am always here, and I'm always tied to you no matter where I am,
No matter where you are,
Wherever we may be.
However our lives may take shape.
My thoughts, my feelings,
My mind
Will always be tied to you with a loose string
That's colored white.

David.
I always looked back at our memories when I tried figuring out why we were not close.
I always remembered the way you looked when we first met.
I always remembered the way your eyes looked kindly at me when you talked to me.
But I always felt from your eyes that you never promised anything,
Nothing full or committing,
Like the intimate bond that exists between two friends,
Or the special awareness that comes from two good siblings.

You always looked past me towards something greater.
You always looked away with your mind wandering.

Your world.
My world.
Yours and mine.

Your life.
My life.
Our vast lives ahead of us, our lives now.

Our different dreams, and the dreams which I have still been dreaming.
They're all connected to me,

But where am I for you, David?

Where?

Where am I? For you?

....David?
I'm here.

I am everywhere you look at.

I am the words on the screen, the words in the pictures I drew and gave to you,
The fake flowers of aluminum that I painted and made for you,
I am every letter on this page,
I am the letter in the bottle that fell at your feet one sunny day in November.
I am the girl who's been waiting at the shore,
Looking off into the sunset,

And I am everything you see, David.
I am here.

I'm here.

I am as pure and fleeting as snow, and everything,
All our memories, all the moments we shared
Illuminate
All the times I thought about you,
And cried about you,
And prayed, and prayed, and prayed
That I could
Selflessly
Cherish you.

White
Is the color that brings a couple together, and it's
The color of a wedding dress.
But the wedding dress I will wear
Will not be worn
By your side.
And that's okay.
We don't have to be together to be happy.
We can be happy, and not be together.
We can be happy and be friends.

My wishes to have been yours have always seemed like thoughts drifting in the winds like
The seeds of a dandelion, filled
With smiling thoughts that they would be reached by you, and heard by you,
After many tries of floating in and out between your long fingers,
And you would feel my love with awe
And not be able to help yourself from loving me back.
But....

David?
White is what I see when I think of heaven,
And white is what I think of when I think of you.
It's your favorite color.
That's why to me, heaven must be...

What I feel from you:
Void of hue, pure, free.

David.
You are what you are; you don't have to try.
Passing from one day to the next, living recklessly,
Going on your way, dreaming dreams I know not of,
Thinking thoughts which I hear little of.

David,
You just need to be you,
And I will be me,
And we can both live happily
In this world
That's covered in a radiating, blinding, and amazing
Color.
If you call it a color, anyway.

It's called white.