5 Centimeters into Blindness

What have I been thinking?
Thinking these thoughts
But never considering your opinion,
Letting these feelings run freely,
When really I am so blind and false,
Chasing truly nothing in my love for you
Calling you the incarnation
Of my knight in shining armor who would come to save me
When you are nothing of knights, or round tables, or cavalry.
And though you are covered in fault,
I deny you and make you seem so perfect
I cast you aside from everyone I've ever known
And put you in a safe place in my heart
As if there cannot be anyone else
As if there can't possibly
….Be any other person I would want this badly.

What am I thinking, dreaming of you so contently?
As if we were once together like I pictured in my head
What am I dreaming of, an "us" that will never be
….Which my heart still can't accept?

Putting words in your mouth which you will never say
Faking your actions which you will never really do
If you were to really act like I wanted, what would I do?
I would deny you, no matter how much you changed
No matter what promises you would make to me, because now
Oh now, I've wandered too far to a point where I can't
Come back to you anymore.

As much as I want to continue that dream I had created for you
As much as my heart yearns to be with you again someday
I close my eyes and know that this how things are supposed to be
This is how our story was supposed to be,
And this is how our story is supposed to end.
Without us ending up happily ever after together,
Without us living pleasantly under the same roof,
Or sharing breakfast together every morning,
…Or growing old together for the rest of our lives.

One day, we met again on that same road,
But were going in opposite directions.
You listened to your music, blocked out everything
Where am I, where are my words?

Even now I practice at the piano during the daytime
Rushing past that place where we used to hang out at all the time
Averting my eyes and looking the opposite way
For there are other people besides us
Sitting and laughing there. I can't stand it.
It's like they're taking my memories.

Setting my awkward hands on the base clef and treble clef,
I'm only just beginning, to learn how you read music.
How you, through your eyes, see music.
I want to see these quarter, half, and eighth notes the way you do.
And after I can play this pretty well,

I want to play the snare drums the way you taught me to.

With this hopelessness, with these thoughts for you which
Are sugar-coated and leave behind a bad aftertaste
I want to play at this piano for you before we really separate.
I want to play you this song I know.

The one I cannot bring myself to have you hear.

It comes from a film I love, a story of two children
Where no matter how much time passed, they, the boy and girl
Could never be together because of their distance which was
Extended and defined by a matter of
…Five centimeters per second.

The rate at which humans fall.
In love?

Or is it when they fail in their lives?

I want to show you.
I want to play, cry my heart out and sing
How I could not stop searching for you,
Even when we were growing old and time
Would never stop for me,
When I've wished that these seasons would never pass
When I've wished watching fondly the sunsets
That I could show you a better me who could make you happy.
I want to show you.
How I could not stop searching for you,
Even when we were getting more ambitious and the memories
Could not stop clotting until I couldn't take it anymore,
And I looked for you everywhere knowing you would not be there,
Reaching out my hand blindingly in my love which takes me nowhere
Only to find dust weave in between my fingers that are stretching out to space.
How the role you play in my life is empty and nonexistent
And how nothing could ever change that role you take
Where not even a miracle could make you come back into my life
The way I miss it.

I want to play, cry my heart out and sing
All the things I couldn't tell you,
Couldn't write to you without throwing the envelope away,
Couldn't give to you without giving into my pride instead.

The words I could not bring myself to say,
Because you're like a stranger to me who I can't even recognize.

Words like: "I love you," or "I miss you"
Which still cannot even justify, still cannot suffice,
Still cannot make me feel any better or make all your mistakes
Any better, or okay to begin with.

I wouldn't say things like that just for the hell of it.

I wouldn't tell you I loved you unless you'd love me back.
And I definitely wouldn't tell you I missed you
Unless you'd come back.

If that smile you give as a courtesy to all the girls
Was truly, if it was truly just for me
I wouldn't play, or cry my heart out, or sing this ballad anymore.
I would embrace and bet everything,
To show you that there's nothing else I can do.

But that bet is the one I always lose.
Because you're just plain bad luck,
And Lady Luck never seems to be on my side.
And I guess there's not much else left for me to bother with anymore.
Except to keep singing.

To just keep wanting, for if only you could hear this message
Stuck in a bottle crashing on the shores of your ocean.
Whereas it is probably, most likely, wading out to sea
And sinking to the bottom of your priorities.
For if only you could just block out everything.
Your headphones and your music,
Your snare drums, the drumline,
Our birthday gifts, our 1rst place trophies,
The caramel apples we ate together,
The grape candies we used to share,
And the bloody roses.
And notice that my throat's running dry.

For if only I could be brave enough to stand before you
And you could stand my selfishness and bear with me,
With me singing out of my love,
All my wishes, all that I had hoped and dreamed of you,
Holding down on the baby grand, worn-down and beaten, white keys.

For if I could play the piano beautifully
And you would watch me,
Maybe I'd still have enough abandon in me
To cry and sing my heart out of my love for you,
How you would be all the smiles I would have ever wanted
Saved for me which couldn't make me fall anymore
In love at a rate of some distance by the seconds,
Until my free thoughts could not run anymore,
Or break the sky.

Nor could I keep singing to you anymore
About how time could never let you wait on me,
And keep you waiting.

Where then, surely, it couldn't make me fail anymore in life
How I dreamed and searched everywhere for you,
And I could never get anywhere but back here,
To this place divided
By that bridge which detaches us from each other's hearts.
Where I make its broken ropes the threads that bind us together,
When really they've gotten me wrapped around your finger
And kept me tied to you.

And though that shouldn't be the only thing I ought to be thinking, I just can't stop.

Denying you, when really I am so blind and false,
Tucking you safely in my pocket but not wearing you on my sleeve.
As if there cannot be anyone else, as if there can't possibly
….Be any other person I would want this badly.